Unless a Seed Dies – Reflection and Preparing for 2025

Have you ever experienced one of those moments in life where something happens so largely that it splits things into pre- or post- that life event? I haven’t experienced all of these personally, but I can imagine it could happen in many contexts – the passing of a loved one, having a career change, getting married, having your first kid, getting a health diagnosis, etc. Whatever it may be, these moments change you. These plot twists in life, whether they ultimately form the ending to a chapter, a new beginning, or are adding to the pages in between, can take some time to adjust to.

2020 was one of those years for me. Not just for the reason the world will now remember 2020 for, but also due to an unexpected loss off a community that held a special place in my heart. Why am I going back to 2020? Because the reality is that even though we do our end-of-the-year-recaps year by year, our life is much more fluid than that. Not everything is easily compartmentalized into 30 second videos that are featured on our social media pages. Some things take much longer to process than we ever would have expected, and that’s okay.

So this year, as we head into 2025, I am reflecting over the last 5 years. Not because I believe 5 is the magic number where grief disappears, but because in my life, I have felt a shift of anticipation and excitement that I haven’t felt like this in quite some time. Hopes that went dormant are slowly reawakening, and I can’t help but wonder if this marks not only a new year, but a new season. One that I know will still have it’s own struggles and uncertainties, but will be backed by the lessons I have learned from time spent in indistinguishable prayer, writing songs that may never be heard by others, head deeply-buried in the living room carpets of trusted confidants, and taking baby steps back into the places and postures that used to be first nature.

Looking back through those first few years, I admit that I couldn’t always see Him. I wasn’t always looking. For the first time in a while, I questioned whether the voice I was hearing was really His. I challenged things that have been taught as the norm for so many years. I went back to the very beginning and tried to find who He really is, all over again, as if meeting Him for the first time.

This is what I found…

HE’S AN OPEN BOOK

There was no question, no emotion, no “how could You” that was off limits. He was able to separate my raw, unfiltered processings from the truth of who He is to me and who I am to Him.

Somehow, I knew in these moments that as I wept, He was weeping too. But it wasn’t just weeping over my situation. It was deeper than that. It was almost as if my prayers of “why” in that place of vulnerability gave me access to feel the aching in His heart over all of His children who have been hurt in settings that were built for His glory. All of a sudden, my prayers shifted and my eyes were no longer focused only on my pain.

Together we cried. Together we prayed. Together we reflected.

In that place, I found comfort. I knew that I wasn’t alone. I knew that these were His prayers and His questions too. I knew that in that place of friendship and care, I wanted to make sure that He wouldn’t be alone either. I knew that what I experienced with Him there was only the beginning.

This is His kind of love.

HE IS PATIENT AND ATTENTIVE

He never rushed me out of my seasons of grief. He just stayed near me and assured me all along the way that He was still there. There was no pressure from Him. His presence was steady and unpresuming. He was never afraid of my process. Never disappointed by my fears.

Have you ever been physically sick and had a loved one sit with you and nurture you though it? Maybe they rubbed your back, brought you soup, or in some way or another made their readiness to help you, known? There is a sweetness, vulnerability, and trust that comes with that, isn’t there? It’s the beauty of being loved and cared for in the state you’re in, not just when you’re at your best.

This is His kind of love.

HE IS INTENTIONAL AND PURSUES US

Even when I didn’t have the capacity, or at times the desire, to be intentional with Him, He didn’t stop showing up. It wasn’t always in the ways I was used to, so at times it still felt like His silence was louder than His voice, but as I started to listen to trust louder than my fear, I realized that His whispers were always there.

One of the biggest ways He showed His intentionality and pursuit was by giving four different individuals – people from various states, walks of life, etc. – a very similar image of me as a little girl with Jesus. Have you ever seen those flipbook animations where a still image is drawn on each page, then as you quickly speed through the papers, you get to see the whole story? It ended up feeling just like that. The first person shared a dream with me in 2021, the second person prayed for me in 2022, the third person shared with me in 2023, and the most recent shared in 2024. Honestly, it wasn’t until recently that I even thought to compare all the words that had been shared.

What brought me to tears was the clear progression of my journey with the Lord through the last 4+ years. It was like a movie playing out in front of me. It was one of hesitation, yet curiosity; active healing, yet rest; all gradually drawing me nearer to see what plans and purposes He had waiting for me now.

“It was like a movie playing out in front of me. It was one of hesitation, yet curiosity; active healing, yet rest; all gradually drawing me nearer to see what plans and purposes He had waiting for me now.”

I can’t guarantee that His intentionality looks the same for everyone, because His relationship with each of us is so personal and unique, but I do share this as a testimony that He knows us and sees us and chases after us.

This is His kind of love.

WE CAN RELY ON HIM AND TRUST HIM

When everything was first transitioning in 2020, it really rocked my trust-o-meter. I knew God was good. I knew He had a plan. I knew that nothing could stand in the way of my love for Him, but there was now a type of pain I hadn’t experienced in this capacity before. In that pain was a feeling of rejection, and in that feeling of rejection was a frustration that He wasn’t stepping in in a bigger way to be my Defender and to right the wrongs in a way that would make sense to me.

We don’t always know when, why, or how God is going to show up. Sometimes, that’s a really hard pill to swallow. It can even fuel the ill feelings more. I’m sure Mary and Martha wondered why Jesus waited to show up until after their brother, Lazarus, had already passed. I know I do. We may not always agree or know, but we can be confident that He is with us. Maybe that confidence isn’t so easy right now, but know that He is aware of all the intricate details. He knows what we need and when. You can trust Him and His process. I promise you that. He cares for you.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In Joel 2, we see an example of the Lord’s ample restoration after His people rent their hearts to him in a moment of loss. It says in versus 12-17, “’Even now,’ declares the Lord, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.’ Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing—grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God. Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breast. Let the bridegroom leave his room and the bride her chamber. Let the priests, who minister before the Lord, weep between the portico and the altar. Let them say, ‘Spare your people, Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, ‘Where is their God?'”

Then in verses 18-19, the Lord responds to their cries. “Then the Lord was jealous for his land and took pity on his people. The Lord replied to them: ‘I am sending you grain, new wine and olive oil, enough to satisfy you fully; never again will I make you an object of scorn to the nations.

He continues in verses 22-26, ‘Do not be afraid, you wild animals, for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig tree and the vine yield their riches. Be glad, people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains because he is faithful. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.'”

All throughout the Word, we see examples of God rebuilding, restoring, reviving, renewing, reminding…

FINAL REFLECTIONS

Looking back, I now see how much He prepared my heart in advance, walked with me through the fire, and was right alongside me clearing the path the whole time. It has not been a quick process, but it’s one I’ve learned to treasure. I’m humbled that He chooses me in all stages of life. In sickness and in health…

Yes, there is a cost, but it’s worth it. He has shown me time and time again just how worth it He is. And sure, maybe there are some ways that I have gotten in the way of what He was wanting to do, but He is a tender pruner. He knows what to keep and what to remove. He knows how to produce a rich harvest. We can trust Him.

And as much as my walk with Him has required blind faith, I’m extremely thankful for the parts of my journey where He has shown me why I can trust Him in that blind faith. It often happens in the in between moments. The ones still in the midst of the desert, before the harvest springs forth.

It is true that sometimes He asks us to to step out of the boat onto the water, defying all logic, and to trust Him that we won’t sink. And yet, other times He shows up unexpectedly in the very room we’ve locked ourselves away in, and He simply asks us to see the holes in His wrists and to hold our hand to His side so that we tangibly know that we can stop doubting and believe that He really is right there in front of us. [See Matthew 14:29-31 and John 20:19-29]

“And yet, other times He shows up unexpectedly in the very room we’ve locked ourselves away in, and He simply asks us to see the holes in His wrists and to hold our hand to His side so that we tangibly know that we can stop doubting and believe that He really is right there in front of us.”

It is in moments like these where He has taught me why I can trust Him and have that blind faith…because at the end of the day, I have seen His faithfulness. He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

MY REASON WHY & WHAT’S TO COME

Lastly, as I share today, I have a few reasons why.

One, as an ebenezer stone of the Lord’s faithfulness up until now. 1 Samuel 7:12, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the Lord has helped us.'” He has been so faithful, and I am amazed.

Two, I share this as part of my testimony. It’s been quite a journey. I know that there is still more work to be done, and that it will continue even in the years to come, but today marks another step with Him.

Three, when I was still in the thick of it, it was really helpful for me to hear from others who had experienced something similar to what I had experienced. They were such a beacon of light and hope to me, and I am so grateful for them. These encounters ended up being checkpoints of healing in my process, and they showed me God’s compassionate guidance in really big ways. It’s my prayer that these words are not only a testament to His faithfulness in my life, but that they may also be a testament to His character and a beacon of light in someone else’s path too. Your journey is worth it. You are worth it.

I am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned. I am thankful for friends and family who remained steadfast and were such a huge support – whether they knew the extent of what I was processing or not. I am thankful that I found others who were on a similar journey, who helped give me a leg up over the walls that I found myself stuck behind. I am thankful that in my search for authenticity, I found those who reminded me that it starts in each of us individually and to keep living it out myself. I am thankful that there is no pressure to perform or be anything that I’m not in the Kingdom. I am thankful that I don’t have to be put together all the time in order to love or be loved – He wants me either way. I am thankful to have experienced all that I have, but also to be nearing that feeling of normalcy again.

There are a lot of things that I am still holding in the waiting and unknown, but what I can say is that there are things I thought were dead for good that are starting to show signs of life again. They’re coming back around. “Unless a seed dies…”

For me, 2024 felt like the culmination to a lot of things that I am praying will now bring about some opportunities into 2025. For you coffee lovers out there, the picture I got was of coffee beans stirring in the roaster. With a quick Google search for verbiage, I found that “roasting coffee beans is the process of heating raw, green coffee beans to a specific temperature, causing them to expand, darken in color, and develop their characteristic aroma and flavor, depending on the desired roast level (light, medium, or dark), by applying heat until they reach the desired level of development, often marked by a “crack” sound as the beans pop during the roasting process.”

“…the process of heating…causing them to…develop their characteristic aroma and flavor…by applying heat until they reach the desired level of development…”

In other words, I feel like 2024 was my “crack” sound, and I am hoping to brew some good things that have been incubating over the last years. Ultimately, we will see how it all plays out, but my desire is to continue working on some projects that have been on my heart for a bit, spend some time together, turn 30, try some new things I’ve never done before, and rest in the current phase of life that I’m in.

Thanks for being a part of the journey. ❤

Abi

Written on 1/3/2025